


Boys and Their Toys

by seanchaidh



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Episode Tag, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-02-01
Updated: 2002-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-09 11:59:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1145722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seanchaidh/pseuds/seanchaidh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Missing scene for "Proving Ground." SG-1 gets a new toy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Boys and Their Toys

Quiet.

We so rarely get that at the SGC. Usually someone's running one way, and people are scurrying in the other direction. But for once, everything was calm. Once I got used to the lull, I used the time to my advantage.

I was busy in my lab, working on a backlog of translations that I'd been avoiding for at least a week. Half of my linguistic staff was sick, and the other half weren't working up to speed as it was, so the remainder fell on me. If things remained quiet, I promised myself that I'd indulge in something special once my work was done. We weren't due for a mission for at least two more days, so I was sure at least half could be tackled easily.

Jack flittered in mid-afternoon. He hovered near the door, then hovered over my desk before he came over to land heavily in a chair. He waved in greeting. His dark eyes had a glint in them that was hard to classify. He didn't seem obnoxious, but he was definitely up to something.

"Having fun?" He peered at the texts littering my desk.

I smiled wanly, the way I usually do when Jack walks in on my work. He was in his pay-attention-to-me mood. "I was. Thanks for interrupting."

"Sure thing. You can go back to it later," he said. He reached over to close one of my books and plucked the pen from my fingers. I squawked in protest, especially when my Akkadian notes mixed with the Ugaritic and the Hittite. Even I have a hard time telling the difference between them at a glance. "Come on, we have to get to the briefing room."

"Why?" I didn't like this, but I let him pull me along anyway. Passive resistance in the verbal form worked better than letting him wear down my defenses by continual prattering.

"It's nothing bad," he assured me.

The fact that he needed to clarify made me shudder in dread.

We headed down the halls, and eventually made it to the briefing room. Sam and Teal'c were there already, congregating around the coffee maker. Sam still had her white lab coat on, looking very unhappy. For that matter, Teal'c didn't look too thrilled, either. He was wearing sweats, a muscle shirt and a very bright fluorescent headband. I went to join them, eyeing my friends.

"Did he just hijack you guys, too?" I asked.

Sam gave me a mug. "Yeah. I was in the middle of a spectro-analysis of a-"

"I had intended to indulge in tae-bo," Teal'c interrupted. He sounded thoroughly ticked off. "I was not given time to change."

"And my analysis is set up with nowhere to go!" Sam huffed past us to the table.

"And I was doing research," I muttered, following Teal'c. "Thanks for asking."

Jack stood at the head of the table. He clapped his hands and grinned at us. "Okay, kids, settle down! The sooner we get through this, the sooner you guys can get back to whatever you were doing."

"And what might that be, sir?" Sam asked. Teal'c and I were settled across from her. I got a good view of the unimpressed look she sent Jack's way.

"You guys are helping me with a little fun."

My internal alarms went off. "Fun?"

"Yup."

I didn't know what to say to that. Fun for Jack is a dubious matter. In the early days of SG-1, fun might be a weekend of running drills in the forest. Those live on in infamy. Lately, he's toned down his excessive qualities, or maybe we're just used to them. Even so, saying fun and bouncing on his heels is a definite warning.

"I believe that this fun will equate with fishing, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said. He was definitely eyeing Jack with the same suspicion I was, and the distaste dripped from his words. It's been a year and Teal'c still isn't over Minnesota.

"Oh, I'm hurt," Jack retorted. "Just because the mosquitoes like you more than the average human being doesn't mean that-"

"No, actually, I think Teal'c's onto something," I added. "You've got that crappy glint in your eyes again."

Sam sniggered, and I batted my lashes at Jack's dark look. Teal'c looked ready to break into a toothy grin. On a Jaffa, that isn't necessarily a friendly expression.

"Thanks, Daniel." He glared at me. "I know I can always rely on you to bring down the level of intelligence."

"Like you would recognize a higher level?" Sam said, her expression as innocent as the one I tried to convey. She glanced at me and winked. "Sir."

"Besides, Jack, I blame it on you," I said. Was I ever on a gleeful roll. "I think it's a combination of the words military and intelligence..."

"I would prefer to learn the purpose for which O'Neill assembled us," Teal'c interrupted. Some Jaffa just ruin all the fun.

"Thank you!" Jack rested his hands on the edge of the table and smiled at Sam and me. "Now, if the peanut gallery would just pipe down for a few minutes..."

I mouthed "sorry" at him.

He eyed me suspiciously for several moments before talking again. "The big news is that I'm off to train some more recruits for the SGC. My turn again. What fun."

And this had to do with us, how?

"Military or civilian?" Sam asked.

"When's the last time we trained a civilian besides Daniel?" Jack said. That had to be rhetorical. I could certainly name a few, including Robert Rothman, but Jack did have a minor point. Most civilians these days aren't even placed on SG teams. They tend to stay on-base for research purposes or head out on special, supervised fieldtrips off-world. "We get to play with the Air Force's best and brightest."

He slid three folders toward us. I grabbed them and handed the extra two to Sam and Teal'c. I found sheets with photos and a lot of stats. I leafed through them, and didn't find anything very interesting in them. They seemed like bright, young trainees.

Sam was frowning at hers. She actually seemed amazed. "I see Haley's survived the Academy."

"Who?" I asked. I found a page with that name labeled at the top. The accompanying picture was that of a young woman staring almost defiantly at me. "Looks like she's got a bit of an attitude."

"Huge, super attitude," Jack agreed, "but she's a kid. She's the cadet Carter took to join us on the infamous planet of the psycho Tinkerbelles."

Even if that was one mission I missed, I knew exactly what transpired on the moon Jack had so aptly nicknamed. I remembered the small, round burns I found on Jack when I got back from my own mission with SG-11. They looked painful, and Jack indulged me in proving my theory with plenty of loud griping. "Oh. Ouch. Right."

"We are to instruct these cadets in the way of the SGC?" Teal'c asked. His Master Jaffa side was straining for release. His eyes actually glinted in anticipation. I'll have to avoid him in the gym for the next week. I can't afford another sprained wrist.

"Easy, big guy. These aren't like Apophis' toy soldiers," Jack cautioned him. "The Air Force prefers that the trainees remain alive after the training's over."

"Not to mention in one piece, sir." Sam glanced up from the folder and smiled. "Remember your last batch of cadets? You nearly shoved them out the door again and yelled at them to come back when they ripened. And the ones who couldn't walk, you threatened to throw them out."

How Jack managed to look dignified with flaming red ears, I'll never know. He straightened his notes, cleared his throat, then made a face. "Anyway. You guys are helping."

"Why?" I demanded.

"Because the SGC relies on the teams who go out and explore. We've been at it for five years, so I thought that maybe if we showed them how it's done, they'd learn."

"Monkey see, monkey do?" I asked.

Sam laughed.

"I am _so_ not going to answer that," Jack said, and he glared at me. I just waggled my brows for a moment, trying to exude my innocence. This was fun. "But then again, maybe they'll run away in terror after seeing us in action."

"What are we to do?" Teal'c asked.

"Oh, we'll take them out to try out a few scenarios. You know, standard recon that's gone fubar. Stuff like that. Easy stuff." Jack pulled back one of the chairs and opened a box I hadn't noticed. He started pulling out gear and equipment, most of which I didn't recognize. "But we have new toys to use."

Sam reached to grab a handgun he'd taken out. "We're using intars?"

I noticed the ruby glow at the butt end of the gun. "I didn't know we had any of those."

"We helped ourselves after the kids were sent home," Jack said. "I figure that they're safer than blanks."

"They are more effective," Teal'c added. "Once hit with an intar, the victim develops the desire to avoid repeating the same error."

"Exactly," Jack beamed. "Brilliant, don't you think?"

"I wouldn't say brilliant," I said. "I'm with Teal'c. Effective sounds a little more accurate. What other toys are there?"

Jack grinned and picked up a funny looking device. He brought it over and slapped my reaching hand. "Sit still. Let me have my fun."

"Should I be running away?" I asked, trying not to cringe as he touched the bottom of my throat. He'd stuck something there. I couldn't imagine what it might be. "Jack?"

"Don't touch it, Daniel," he said, and handed me a box. "But don't worry. It won't hurt you."

I studied the box. There were only three buttons. On, off and volume. What, a tape recorder? Very useful. "What's this?"

"Turn it on."

I did.

"Now say something."

"Is this a practical joke?" I asked, still wary. I remembered trying to prepare for the Seth mission and getting shocked repeatedly until Sam perfected the process of eliminating the nishta. But then I stopped to stare at Jack in shock. "What was that?"

My voice was wrong. I sounded like a Goa'uld. I stared at Jack, while Sam and Teal'c stared at me. Jack just grinned. "Cool, huh?"

"We're going to go through foothold situations?" Sam asked. She looked like she was just realizing Jack's plans.

"Yup." Jack's grin widened. "Guess who's the snake?"

"Me?" Hey, snakeless fun. That sounds safe.

"The Great and Powerful Oz," Sam teased.

"Kree," I agreed.

Teal'c looked uneasy. "This is most unusual."

"Hey, who'd think that Daniel would go dark side on us?" Jack asked, looking very proud of his ingenious plan. I wisely keep my mouth shut. I don't need to remind him of some of our past missions right now. "I mean, he just sits around looking sweet and innocent most of the time. Let the cadets buy your act, then surprise them with a nasty bite to the ass."

"But, sir, Daniel _is_ sweet and innocent," Sam said. She glanced at me, and I noticed a tiny hint of a smile. "Until you start yanking his chain, that is."

"Then I bite you," I said. That just sounded so _cool_ in my new voice. Oh, great. Jack's corrupted me. I gnashed my teeth for emphasis.

"Most frightening," Teal'c said. I think he'd have the same expression if a small dog started to bark menacingly at him. Woof, kick, and there goes Toto flying across Oz.

I fingered the control with a sly smile. "Jack?"

"Yeah, what?" He gave me an almost indulgent look, then ran his finger across his throat. "And turn that thing off. You'll waste the batteries."

I obeyed. "Can I borrow this?"

"For what?"

"Oh, something..." I wasn't going to spoil my fun.

"I know that look," Sam said, leaning forward. "I think I'm going to like this."

"Please?" I tried to look as innocent and harmless as I could. "Nothing bad, Jack. I'll bring it back as soon as I'm done."

He frowned. "Okay..."

"Thanks!" I collected my folder and the control. I gave my teammates a smile before getting up. "I'll be in my office. I'll review these things and see if there's anything else I can add to the simulations."

"Yeah, about that. Got any toys that you can use for props?"

I quickly flipped open the folder again and scanned the typed sheets of paper. "Oh, Jack, how unoriginal. You're going to have a foothold situation in the SGC, itself? D à vu."

"Yup." He rocked back on his heels and smile. "Led by our own Doctor Evil Jackson."

I kept on reading, ignoring Sam's little snicker and the way Teal'c's eyebrow raised even higher. "We're under the control of an alien device. Oh, I haven't seen _that_ situation before. Jack, just because you've watched Star Wars a few dozen times in the last six months doesn't mean that you can recycle old plot lines and hope that they'll get an SGC twist."

"Oh, just can it already. Got anything that might fit the bill and have a plausible background?"

"I think I'll manage to dredge something up in my office," I said. "Can I go now?"

"Go ahead. I'll check up on your progress in an hour or two."

Sam jumped up after asking for permission to flee with me. She followed me down the stairs and out into the hallway. "So what are you doing, Daniel?"

"My secret," I grinned.

"Share," she demanded.

"What's in it for me?" I shot back.

"Chocolate walnut cookies, my treat," she said.

"Extra soft with big chunk of chocolate?" I asked, wanting elaboration.

"And fresh nuts," she nodded.

"Oh? You're baking?" This was good. I love a pleading Sam. Besides, baking is about the only kind of cooking she can do.

"Tomorrow if you tell me now."

I glanced around and then smiled at her. "I'm hoping to motivate my staff into getting their work done."

"You're lucky your guys have a sense of humor," she said. "Mine would just shoot me on a sight if I tried what I think you're doing."

"Well, they already complain I work them too hard," I grinned. I flipped on the control and whispered at Sam. "Think they'll respond well to this?"

"They'll ask me to put arsenic in your cookies," she said, patting me on the back. "You've been hanging around the Colonel way too much, Daniel."

Maybe that's true. But two days later, after the foothold scenarios were over and SG-1 was ready to go off-world again, I had twenty linguistic reports on my desk. I was only expecting twelve.

*fin*

 


End file.
